loving him was burning red
by slytherinlarrie
Summary: when you graduate hogwarts, you're both excited, and terrified. somehow seventeen, doesn't feel as old as it did, back when you were eleven, and brand new to this magical world. for your fifteenth birthday, james gave you a necklace, but for this one, he gives you a ring.
eleven and tuney hates you, calls you a freak, a thief. severus snape says to ignore her, says _she's wrong_ , says _you're special, and she's jealous_. he's right, and that's what makes it sting. on the train ride to hogwarts, after leaving james potter and sirius black to themselves, you buy him a handful of chocolate frogs, and practise spells together. you don't talk for the first three days after you go to gryffindor, and he goes to slytherin, but your new roommates, marlene and mary are really nice; mary lends you her mood-nail polish, and it's much better than a mood ring because it actually works; _like magic_ , you giggle, and marlene rolls her eyes. _duh_ , she says, pureblood, and eleven years of magical life under her belt. you send one of the school owls off to diagon alley for your own, and some for tuney too, because even though she's ignoring your letters, she's still your sister, and colour changing nail polish is really cool. whenever you're around james, your nails flash a variety of colours, usually ending up blazing red. they're a calm yellow around remus lupin, when you study together in the library. he's quiet in all the ways you're loud, and you get along wonderfully, gleefully laughing when you manage to snatch him up as a partner in transfiguration before peter pettigrew does.

sev apologises on your fourth day, shuffling his feet awkwardly before you roll your eyes and shove marlene over; he sits down next to you, and you spend the rest of the night doing potions homework together, even with marlene eyeing the green of his tie suspiciously. during your first flying lesson, sirius laughs for five minutes when you fall off your broom approximately three seconds after getting on it, but james just helps you up and explains that brooms are like dogs; _they can sense fear, so you have to be brave, lily_ , he says, and you nod your head determinedly. you are in the house of bravery, you can do this- you manage to last ten seconds before falling off the next time, and when james helps you up again, you're both giggling as loud as sirius. hogwarts is exciting, and loud, and beautiful, and you go home full of stories to share and presents to give; your parents listen with wide eyed wonder, but tuney just scoffs when you offer her the nail-polish, and slams her bedroom door in your face. you make a calendar counting down the days until you can go back to school, and sev replaces tuney as your best friend, meeting you at the swing-set every day; you finish all your homework in the first week, at his insistence. one day, james and sirius send you a howler, yelling about your red hair and green eyes making you look like christmas; a polite letter arrives a few minutes after the howler, written in remus' careful handwriting, apologising for his two _idiot best mates, hope you're having a nice summer lily._ the countdown grows smaller and smaller, and the next thing you know, you're back on the train to hogwarts. you sit in a compartment with marlene and mary, after sev departs to spend time with his other house mates, and after awhile, james, remus, sirius and peter join you girls, and you play gobstones the rest of the ride- you absolutely destroy james, and then after stealing his chocolate frogs, you fall asleep on his shoulder.

when you turn thirteen, sirius, james, peter, and remus loudly sing you a silly birthday song, managing to rhyme your name with a total of thirteen things, in the great hall; your face is as red as your hair, but probably not as red as sev's, who's glaring from the slytherin table. when they finish, to a round of applause, led mostly by professor dumbledore, sirius gives you a handmade card with a photo that mary, or marlene must have taken; it's from last year, just before the christmas holidays. you're playing exploding snap with the boys, and smirking gleefully; james' eyebrows are furrowed, but his mouth is twitching, and his eyes are sparkling. peter's alight with happiness, even though his cards are smoking and remus is rolling his eyes, lounging on the couch with a book in his hands, as sirius yells something at you. you're so happy you could _burst_ , even as you ask them to neverrhyme your name with 'willy' again, _ever_ ; mcgonnagall agrees, frowning at them for the rest of the day. tuney doesn't send you a card, but it's okay, because marlene and mary went halves in a really beautiful pet owl for you, and sev gives you one of his mother's old potions books; you huddle together in the library, reading it together later that night. sev complains about james, and sirius, and you snap at him; _they're my friends sev, leave them alone_. you're only a little bit surprised to find that you truly mean it (mostly in sirius' case, because james is still pretty annoying, _and_ he gets better marks than you in transfiguration even though you study like, ten times the amount he does). sev blushes, but doesn't mention it again, and you hug him tightly when he walks you back to your common room.

 _you're my best friend,_ you tell him, before ducking in the portrait hole, and he smiles at you like you're his entire world; it worries you, a bit, that you're his only real friend. _it's not healthy_ , your father says. _it's not safe,_ mary says. _he's a greasy git,_ sirius says. _he's misunderstood, he needs a friend like you, lil,_ remus says. james doesn't say much, but hexes sev when you aren't around, and always goes temporarily deaf when you tell him to stop; it would bother you more, but you know sev gives as good as he gets (probably better, really). later, james corners you by the fire, and shoves a little green box in your hand; inside is a necklace, with a little rose on it. _i thought about getting a lily, but decided it was too much of a cliche,_ he explains, ruffling his hair. _anyway, i remembered how much you liked the mood nail-polish, and i know that you don't wear it much, cause it chips and all, so i charmed this necklace to change colours with your mood._ he puts it on you, and it flashes a variety of colours instantly, before settling down on a dark red. _like your hair_ , he says, blushing. you used to hate red, loathe the colour of your hair with a passion, but looking at the red in his cheeks, you tell him it's the most beautiful colour in the world.

you end up partnered with james in divination classes, because remus, mary and marlene refused to take the class, and sirius always manages to steal peter before you get the chance. you spend lessons loudly predicting sirius and peter's deaths, promising them a lot of pain and humiliation. james is strangely into divination, and spends lessons actually analysing your tea leaves, even though it makes his glasses fog up. he promises you a long life, filled with lots of love, and you find yourself blushing for no real reason at all. sirius flicks a dungbomb in james' tea a minute later, and your class has to evacuate the room on account of not being able to _breathe_ , and you hold james' hand to lead him out, since his glasses are still fogged up. his hand is sweaty, and warm- or maybe it's yours, because the rest of you is pretty warm too, and you're sure you're blushing still. later, james sneaks you down to the kitchens after curfew, and makes you read his tea leaves; _it looks like a heart,_ you say, biting your lip. _well look it up in the book,_ james says, and you roll your eyes; _i think a heart is pretty self explanatory, potter,_ you snap, and he blushes. _oh,_ he says, and he's quiet for the rest of the walk back to the common room, huddled under his invisibility cloak together. at breakfast the next day, you steal his porridge and he drinks your pumpkin juice, and you both have dark circles under your eyes, but james' smile has never been brighter.

sev is onlyfifteen when he shouts _that word_ at you, and you wish it could be used as an excuse, used to explain away everything he does that makes your skin crawl and your heart ache, but it can't. _he's a child, only a child,_ you tell remus the next day, curled up in one of sev's old woollen jumpers. _we're all only children,_ remus replies, the bags under his eyes as dark as james' hair. there's fresh scars on his arms and face from the latest full moon. _but child doesn't mean stupid. he knows the difference between good and bad, lil, he just doesn't care._ you think about the fact that james, sirius and peter had a best friend with an awful problem, a friend who is ignored and abused by the entire wizarding community, and they did everything they could to fix it for him. you think about the fact that sev had a best friend who is ignored and abused by a lot of the wizarding community, and he just agrees with them. you wonder what this means, but as remus points out, you already know.

after a week spent moping around the common room, james drags you down to the quidditch pitch. _it's time you learnt to fly_ , he proclaims. _you are a witch, and you haven't been on a broom in five years, that's just wrong,_ he continues and you nod your head. you are brave. you are a witch. you can do this. you mount the broom with determination, and manage not to fall off. hogwarts looks different, from up in the air. james hovers slightly underneath your broom, ready to catch you when you fall, and you tell him all about tuney, and sev, and how both of your best friends have betrayed you. _tuney hates me for not being a muggle, and sev hates me because i am_ , you say. it's easier, up here in the air, away from everything real. james shakes his head firmly, glasses sliding down his nose. _i can't speak for your sister- though, i'm sure that's just jealousy, mostly- but snape, he's just, well, being a slytherin can't be easy, i think._ he says, and you frown. _none of this is easy_ , you point out, thinking of the list of names in the paper, growing with each passing day, and james nods. _thats true_ , he says. _but some things are easier than others, i reckon_. you fly up a bit higher, wishing you could leave all your worries on the ground. you tell james this, and he nods. _why do you think i like flying so much? for an hour or two, up here in the clouds, it feels like i can leave everything below us,_ he explains. when james grins, it feels like the sun has come out. _for what it's worth_ , he says, looking strangely serious, _i'm sorry for the part i played in this._ you think this over for awhile, as you both drift back to the ground. he looks surprised, when you kiss him lightly on the cheek. _i forgive you_ , you say, before heading up to your dorm. you turn just before walking into your room, and he's standing right where you left him, staring after you with a dazed look on his face, cheeks as red as your nails.

when you graduate hogwarts, you're both excited, and terrified. somehow, seventeen, doesn't feel as old as it did, back when you were eleven, and brand new to this magical world. for your fifteenth birthday, james gave you a necklace, but for this one, he gives you a ring. you spend the next few months planning a wedding, and fighting in a war, and late at night, curled up together in a small, broken-down flat, sirius snoring in the next room, you wonder if you're just doing this because of the war, because of the very real threat of waiting too long, and not being able to do it, ever. _no_ , james says, eyes sleepy. _we're doing this because we love each other. because i don't want to spend another minute not married to you_. after that, you mostly only argue over who should get sirius as a best man; james wins after a very brutal game of chess, and you don't talk to him for three whole hours. when tuney's invitation arrives back in your letterbox, unopened, you spend three hours crying in james' arms. mary, marlene and alice are your bridesmaids, and remus, sirius, and peter are james' groomsmen. you all get so roaring drunk that by the end of the reception, you're riding around on james' back; he's a lot faster as a deer, ever when he's drunk. when he transforms back to human, he looks at you with so much love in his eyes; you remember being thirteen, and terrified because sev looked at you like this, like you were his whole world, but with james, it's different, because he's your whole world too- the love and devotion goes both ways.

harry's born when you're both nineteen, and terrified. sirius and mary are the only ones around- everyone else is away, fighting in the war you're no longer able to be a part of. you haven't seen remus and peter in a month, though they've both been sending frantic letters, and (awful) name suggestions. james holds your hand the whole way through the birth, and mary pulls the baby out, wrapping him in a magically heated blanket; sirius cuts the cord, and you ask him to be the godfather. harry looks exactly like james, and you fall in love for the second time in your life. he has your eyes, though, and james thanks merlin for that, because _your eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world, lil_. harry grows quickly, and looks more like james with every passing day. you send a photo to tuney, when he's six months old, and she sends back a photo of her son, dudley. she doesn't say anything else, but this is enough, for now. sirius spoils harry beyond belief, and remus tries to, but it's becoming harder and harder for him to get work; you and peter take turns slipping galleons and knuts into his robe pockets when he isn't looking- it becomes like a competition, of sorts, and peter laughingly transforms into a rat and runs up remus' leg when he's sleeping. _that's cheating,_ you complain, giggling when remus wakes up with a rat asleep in his pocket, curled up around a galleon. peter just laughs, little squeaking sounds, and eats the cheese you feed to him. harry is a beautiful baby. he's loud and funny and cuddly and gets along with everyone he meets. you take him for play dates with the youngest two weasley children, with the longbottom boy, the patil twins; and he plays happily with all the children, even if he is at his happiest when playing with james and remus.

you make sirius the secret keeper shortly after james turns twenty-one and he begs and pleads that you consider peter- _they'll know it's me, i don't know if i can protect you,_ he says, and you shake your head firmly. _you are our best friend,_ you tell him. _you are james' brother, and harry's godfather, and you are family._ he agrees, and peter performs the spell. the day after halloween, you hear of the deaths of frank and alice longbottom, of how little baby neville somehow killed the darkest wizard of all time. you don't put harry down for almost twenty four hours, carrying him around the house with you all day, letting him sleep in your arms at night. sirius turns into padfoot, and curls around harry while you and james take a nap, at five in the morning. remus and peter come for dinner the next day, looking tired, and angry, and sad. _we always knew we couldn't get everyone out of this war,_ remus says, and you sigh, thinking of the _daily prophet_ front page. severus will spend the rest of his life in azkaban, alongside sirius' cousins. _it didn't stop me from hoping_ , you reply, thinking of the day, years ago, when sev told you all about the wizard prison, and promised you wouldn't be sent there. _it's not for children,_ he'd said. james goes to the ministry, to plead, and beg, on behalf of your old best friend, but it doesn't work. james is frantic, wondering if it's his fault, if he could have done anything to help severus. _no,_ you tell him, bouncing harry on your hip. _he made his choices james, he has to live with them._ remus teaches harry to read when he turns two, and harry proudly yells out every word he knows, and babbles loudly when he doesn't know the others. he sings the alphabet almost on repeat, and you've heard about the terrible twos before, but you never knew they could be this exhausting; you send him to spend a week with sirius, who's just as energetic as harry, and he comes back exhausted and much quieter. _unca' sirius is a lot of work,_ he says, tiredly. _pafoo is worse. can we get another cat? cats are quiet and keep pafoo away._

harry starts asking for a sibling when he turns three, and during your twenty-fourthyear of life, you give him two. the twins are beautiful little girls, rosie and daisy; _we have to keep the flower tradition going,_ james says, grinning. _better than stars, anyhow,_ you tease, and sirius growls quietly, so as not to wake the girls. tuney sends you a letter, and brings her little boy up one weekend. _vernon had work,_ she apologises, stiffly; you know it's a lie, but it doesn't matter, really. dudley and harry get along okay, even if harry does accidentally turn his hair blue at one point; tuney just sighs as you change it back with a flick of your wand. she's wearing the nail polish you bought her all those years ago, and her nails are a firm, dark green. it lightens as the day goes on, and after she spends almost an hour holding the twins, singing softly to them, it fades to a soft yellow. she leaves before dinner, with a promise to return soon, and an invitation to visit her whenever you want, and things feel better, lighter. harry loves his little sisters, and spends hours singing them silly made up songs; he's definitely inherited sirius' writing and singing abilities. he and remus read aloud to the twins, who look at them with amazement in their hazel eyes; they've got your red hair, and james' eyes, and are identical in every way. harry really blossoms as a big brother, and enjoys bringing his friends around to meet his little sisters; ron weasley sighs, _another little girl?_ even as ginny blows a raspberry at him, and little neville longbottom sits with them quietly, trying to teach them to talk to the snake in their backyard as his grandmother looks on warily. pete loves the twins, and spends hours with them, transforming into wormtail, and running along their little legs; they feed him bits of cheese, giggling. once a month, you send harry over to sleep at the weasleys, while you spend the night visiting petunia. the next morning, james is tired, and remus is worse, curled up in your spare room (officially, this is what you call it. unofficially, it's been remus' since the day you moved in). you learn how to brew him a potion that helps, and the full moons are better, after that.

harry goes to hogwarts when you're thirty, and you feel so impossibly young and old, all at the same time. he goes to gryffindor, and comes home with red and gold scarves and stories about trolls in dungeons, and three headed dogs. neville may be the chosen one, but you raised your boy to be brave, and strong, and loyal, and after that first adventure harry has, hermione granger becomes a fixture in your life, writing letters about how hard it is being a muggle born in a magical world. you and harry visit her over the summer, and you watch cartoons with her parents every saturday morning. james and sirius throw a huge party when harry comes home, celebrating his joining of the quidditch team. _my son, the youngest played in a century,_ sirius proudly exclaims. james cries so much that it's a miracle he and harry beat ron and sirius in a backyard game, with daisy and rosie acting as cheerleaders, and you love your family so much you think your heart could burst. the next year is worse, in a lot of ways, and poor ginny weasley spends a week on your couch the next summer, fuming with anger. _my family treats me like i'm broken,_ she yells, and harry, wide-eyed, scampers to his room as rosie and daisy pat ginny's head, and feed her chocolate. _and maybe i am, maybe there's something wrong with me,_ she cries. james, as terrified as harry of crying girls, invites remus around, and after ginny spends a few hours talking with him, she's better. _just because there was something evil inside of you, does not mean that is all you are,_ remus tells her. she eyes him suspiciously all throughout dinner, and you find her pestering harry about it later. _there's something different about your godfather,_ she tells him, and he rolls his eyes. _yeah, they're all mental. you're gonna have to be more specific._ next year, you get a letter from ginny, and one from remus. ginny's is full of excitement and anger. _how could you not tell me professor lupin is a werewolf? i would have given him more chocolate for christmas if i'd known!_ the one from remus is full of apologies; _she's so bright, and very cunning; she got it out of me third week. i think ms. granger is on to me too- please tell harry to find some slower friends._

in harry's sixth year, he brings home ginny weasley (without ron, unlike the last five summers), introducing her as his girlfriend, and peter, grumbling, hands a gleeful remus three gallons. molly weasley welcomes you into her family with open arms, and remus and peter start betting on when the wedding will be. when you're thirty-six, harry and his friends drop out of hogwarts, and go off with neville longbottom to save the world. they come back, exhausted, and terrified, and voldemort falls in the great hall at neville's hand. ginny loses a brother, and countless others lose sisters, mothers, fathers, and children, but somehow, your family is okay, and safe, and you drag harry and the twins home with you that night, and along with remus, sirius, and peter, you all fall asleep in the lounge room together. your children go back to hogwarts the next year, to help rebuild it, and your house feels so lonely and quiet without them, but peter and sirius visit almost every day, and remus comes back on weekends, when he doesn't have marking to do. harry, ginny and hermione write letters from hogwarts almost every day, and even ron sends the occasional note from his auror training.

peter wins the bet when harry and ginny tie the knot only two years out of hogwarts, out of the war, when you're thirty-nine. ginny has her older brother, ron, stand at her side, and harry has his older sister, hermione stand by his. the twins are beautiful flower girls, rosie dressed in a blue dress, and daisy in yellow- proudly showing off their house colours. you and james walk harry down the aisle, and then molly and arthur walk ginny down. the ceremony is beautiful, even if harry and ginny disappear only an hour in; sirius finds them in a broom cupboard, and loudly relays the story to all the guests, as harry blushes, and ginny smirks. rosie brings a slytherin girl as her date, and spends the night gazing lovingly into her eyes; they remind you an awful lot of you and james, more so than harry and ginny ever have, despite being so similar to you. rosie's eyes blaze when her girlfriend teases her, but you find them making out in the bathroom later anyway. peter, remus, and sirius embarrass harry by telling stories about his childhood, accompanied by photo's of him as a baby, chubby and naked in almost all of them. _a lot like his dad,_ remus says, smirking. _and only a little bit like james,_ peter adds, grinning at sirius, who winks at you, causing james to throw a piece of cake at him. an hour later, when harry and ginny leave for their honeymoon, there's cake matted into their hair, but ginny's eyes are sparkling, and you don't think harry has ever smiled so big in his life.

your house is empty when you and james are forty-five, all of your babies off doing their own thing. ginny and harry are eagerly preparing for the birth of their first child, and you groan loudly. _we can't possibly be old enough to have a grandchild,_ you complain, and james just rubs your feet, smiling up at you. rosie's proposed to the same slytherin girl she danced with at harry's wedding, and daisy has joined a quidditch team, playing chaser like her father, and your children have given you _so_ much to be proud of. _i wouldn't care if we were one hundred,_ james says, leaning up to kiss you. _i love the fact that we're old, lil, because it's a reminder that we've spent this time together._ he tells you, before kissing your harder. your chipped nails and your rose necklace are both a brilliant red as you kiss him back.


End file.
